Sports Illustrated: Head Shot!

I hear there's a new job opening at Sports Illustrated.

Over Her Impossibly Retouched Body

Besides Eva Longoria's gravity-defying, anatomically incorrect disaster of a pose, there are so many other things wrong with this image that it is simply impossible to know where to begin.

This would be ropey enough on Something Awful, but people actually got paid for this.

Maxim: Crack Is Wack

OK, this is a little old (2003), but still quite stunning. Either Michelle Branch has no butt crack, or someone decided that this would pass muster. I mean, it isn't as if Maxim readers would have any particular interest in that part of her anatomy, is it?

Courtesy Darren Barefoot.

For the sake of the unbelievers, it turns out that that issue of Maxim uses the same image inside the magazine, without the crackectomy.

Blender: We Aren't Even Pretending To Make An Effort Anymore

Blender has set a new standard in committee-think with their composite Britney cover.

Not only do they put the poor tart's head on an uncredited model's body (which is probably, sadly, in her portfolio), they puss out by flagging the image as a composite. To pile insult upon injury, the tragic and desperate use of the word 'truthiness' is an exercise in pathos.

As if this wasn't enough pussing out, the composition suggests that hitting rock bottom means smoking cigarettes and drinking diet Red Bull. Hello? It's Brit-ney Spe-ars.

Jordache: Attack Of The Pod People

Even allowing for the culturally-ravaged, post-wardrobe-malfunction neo-fundamentalist, sexual dystopia we live in, the decision of Jordache to Photoshopically amputate Heidi Klum's nipples is a profoundly bizarre one.

What were the possible logical processes that made this happen? Did they think no-one would notice? How could this make any sense? Unbelievable.

FHM: Yakuza Babes

At 4am somewhere a designer wakes up and utters "Oh God I forgot to put her finger back in."

Ann Coulter Is An Alien

Courtesy Gawker.

Playboy: Clone Tool Beats Belly Button

Brazilian Playboy readers were shocked to find that its images are manipulated. Shocked!

Chicago: Kelly Osbourne Can Change Shape At Will

You can just feel the poor artworker dying a little inside.

Seventeen: Buffy And Her Plastic Arm

Not to mention her scary plastic belly.

Apparently the publisher of Seventeen magazine tried to patch things up with Ms Gellar by sending her a new leather purse, which didn't go down too well as she is vegetarian, or vegan (or made of plastic).

Maxim: Model Distorts Space-Time Continuum

Apparently some idiot at Maxim magazine felt Kata Dobo was too chubby and let loose with the warping and the distorting. Or perhaps her bathroom tiles are deliberately crooked.

Victoria's Secret: The Classic Severed Hand

A lot of people think this is Jessica Simpson; it's actually Marissa Miller, in a VS catalog. We still don't know whose hand it is.

Complete Woman: Ashlee Simpson Will Devour Your Soul

Ashley gets a no-holds-barred anime-mortician makeover for Complete Woman, courtesy of Style Dash.