Thursday, March 20, 2008

GQ: She Probably Stopped Smiling When She Saw The Newsstand

OMG dude look as Rachel Bilson's legs they're uhhh like totally whoa. Yeahhhh! (sound of smoke being inhaled). Whoa! she's like uhhh some sort of sideshow. You know what would be (more smoke-related noises) totally amazing: we should uhhhh put like an inexplicably fake umm shadow behind her, so she's like a warp-legged captain of a rubber sheet. Whoa! Yo Art Director didn't we order a pizza?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Spiderman 2: Mary Jane Is Mister Fantastic

Either Kirsten Dunst's right left arm is five feet long and has two elbows, or someone, somewhere, figured no one would notice. We are that no one!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Hanes: Look Who We Got Our Clipping Path On Now

If you're trying to guess which one is the real leg, the smart money is on neither.

Friday, March 14, 2008

More Evidence Of Massive Conspiracy Against Diane Keaton

Diane Keaton can't catch a break these days. Not only is she haphazardly comped with Mandy Moore - just where is she looking? - her mouth has been hacked into the kind of grin that clown morticians might favor.

Also, does Diane Keaton really have only three fingers on her right hand?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Basic Head Swap

For reasons that probably only make sense to Koreans, Korean posters for Basic Instinct 2 required a head swap for Sharon Stone, so that she had wet hair.

Unfortunately the retouching budget didn't stretch to updating the dry hair in the mirrors behind her.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Diario Sportivo AS: I Wasn't Expecting The Spanish Inquisition

Our chief weapon is Photoshop... and cloning... cloning and Photoshop. Photoshop and cloning. Our two weapons are Photoshop and cloning... and copying and pasting. Argh. Amongst our weaponry are such elements as Photoshop, cloning, copying, pasting. I'll come in again.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Out Magazine: Hey Mr DJ Put A Record On I'm Microcephalic

It looks great, yeah great. You know, one little thing. No big deal. But if you could make the top of her head smaller? Just the top part? So it isn't hiding the banner. Yeah, no, I know, but you know what, no one cares about the top of her head. Just make it smaller. Yes, I know. Just make it smaller. Just do it. I'm just going to go ahead and make that an order. If you could do that, that would be great.

Oh, and if you could make her shoulder disappear, that would also be great.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Bebe: Eva Longoria Is Made Of Rubber

Bebe turns to its inner thirteen year-old for Eva Longoria. Not only is she made of rubber, her suit casts a shadow, as if it were flapping around.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Jimmy Carr: The Jocelyn Wildenstein of Retouching

Looks like someone's been tweaked a little. What does Mr Carr look like in real life?

Okay. You did you know that the airbrush tool has a flow setting, didn't you?

Friday, March 7, 2008

Imagine Babies: What's a watermark?

Images from iStockPhoto: $12
Stealing the preview images instead: $0
Seeing the watermark on your finished, printed artwork: priceless

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Batman Fascinated By Window Frame

Not only is Batman choosing a rather odd position to brood from, the floor is, well, phoned in. The reflections would be correct only if the floor were below the buildings opposite.

Thanks to Shortee for this one.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Diane "Scarecrow" Keaton

Designer: We don't have a full shot of Diane Keaton?
Art Director: Don't worry! She old!
Designer: So I can just make any bizarre body shape and it will be OK?
Art Director: Who care! She old!
Designer: Look! Her head is like 200% too big! And where is her waist?
Art Director: Hello? Are you still working on that?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Castles In The Air

Sir Lancelot gazed fondly into the soft blue pools of Lady Guineviere's eyes and gently held her mutant third hand. Wait, what?

Monday, March 3, 2008

Heartbreakers: Art breakers

Looks like someone isn't very good at hands! Or heads!

Edit: For those of you who like less terseness, here's the blow-by-blow!
Surely statuesque Sigourney would have a head on top of her neck, rather than next to it.
Ewww! Web hands!
This is just awful. It's as if the designer, exhausted from airbrushing the fake arm in had no idea how to end it and just gave up.
What's with the huge hand?
I would have put in #5 Sigourney's blurred-out shoulder, but the other blunders kind of crowded it out. Sorry for the small size; this is the largest image I could find.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Highlander: There can be only wtf

Even if they had remembered to actually put the sword in his hand, this would still win the category for overwhelming homoerotic symbollism.

Props to Jeroen for this one.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Martha Stewart Living: That's one patient dog

Dog looks a little uh, pasted in? Not so much? Perhaps the absence of any doggy footprints is a clue?

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sports Illustrated: Head Shot!

I hear there's a new job opening at Sports Illustrated.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Over Her Impossibly Retouched Body

Besides Eva Longoria's gravity-defying, anatomically incorrect disaster of a pose, there are so many other things wrong with this image that it is simply impossible to know where to begin.

This would be ropey enough on Something Awful, but people actually got paid for this.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Maxim: Crack Is Wack

OK, this is a little old (2003), but still quite stunning. Either Michelle Branch has no butt crack, or someone decided that this would pass muster. I mean, it isn't as if Maxim readers would have any particular interest in that part of her anatomy, is it?

Courtesy Darren Barefoot.

For the sake of the unbelievers, it turns out that that issue of Maxim uses the same image inside the magazine, without the crackectomy.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Blender: We Aren't Even Pretending To Make An Effort Anymore

Blender has set a new standard in committee-think with their composite Britney cover.

Not only do they put the poor tart's head on an uncredited model's body (which is probably, sadly, in her portfolio), they puss out by flagging the image as a composite. To pile insult upon injury, the tragic and desperate use of the word 'truthiness' is an exercise in pathos.

As if this wasn't enough pussing out, the composition suggests that hitting rock bottom means smoking cigarettes and drinking diet Red Bull. Hello? It's Brit-ney Spe-ars.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Jordache: Attack Of The Pod People

Even allowing for the culturally-ravaged, post-wardrobe-malfunction neo-fundamentalist, sexual dystopia we live in, the decision of Jordache to Photoshopically amputate Heidi Klum's nipples is a profoundly bizarre one.

What were the possible logical processes that made this happen? Did they think no-one would notice? How could this make any sense? Unbelievable.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

FHM: Yakuza Babes

At 4am somewhere a designer wakes up and utters "Oh God I forgot to put her finger back in."

Friday, February 15, 2008

Ann Coulter Is An Alien

Courtesy Gawker.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Playboy: Clone Tool Beats Belly Button

Brazilian Playboy readers were shocked to find that its images are manipulated. Shocked!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Chicago: Kelly Osbourne Can Change Shape At Will

You can just feel the poor artworker dying a little inside.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Seventeen: Buffy And Her Plastic Arm

Not to mention her scary plastic belly.

Apparently the publisher of Seventeen magazine tried to patch things up with Ms Gellar by sending her a new leather purse, which didn't go down too well as she is vegetarian, or vegan (or made of plastic).

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Maxim: Model Distorts Space-Time Continuum

Apparently some idiot at Maxim magazine felt Kata Dobo was too chubby and let loose with the warping and the distorting. Or perhaps her bathroom tiles are deliberately crooked.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Victoria's Secret: The Classic Severed Hand

A lot of people think this is Jessica Simpson; it's actually Marissa Miller, in a VS catalog. We still don't know whose hand it is.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Complete Woman: Ashlee Simpson Will Devour Your Soul

Ashley gets a no-holds-barred anime-mortician makeover for Complete Woman, courtesy of Style Dash.